Starbucks 8/23/18 Someday We'll Be Free by Donny Hathaway
There is nothing to be concerned with, I've come to terms a long time ago that there are just some days that I cant handle. Id rather keep myself busy with cleaning...
cleaning the kitchen
the living room
the dogs room
Honestly, if I could clean the entire day to keep my mind from being depressed I would. It's something about the process of organizing things that force me to store my emotions away in the back of mind.
I believe that the overload of unorganized thoughts is the number one trigger of my depression. It's one thought after another, the weight of debt that hangs over my head, the dreams that have been deferred time and time again, the idea of not being able to buy my parents the house they deserve, not being able to invest the time into my love relationship as much as i'd like, or being there for my siblings as they are for me.
Thoughts of my moved on family members who's memories repeat in my mind on a 24/7 loop, praying that they'd never fade away. I was blessed enough to connect with family member who were older and wise, but never imagined that they would one day die. Learning this at a young age has triggered my mind to understand that everyone who comes into my life will eventually move on to a different realm, then forcing me to be consumed with the idea of death, not in a morbid way, but in a way to be prepared.
My depression usually comes in the morning ironically after my morning prayer and mediation. But after some uplifting music like Janet Jackson or my favorite, Stevie Wonder songs the depression goes away just in time for brunch. Once i'm out for the day I can say that im filled with genuine joy from God. The kind that pours a bright infectious smile everywhere I go. And when depression tries to slip back in, I walk outdoors for some energy from the sun and a sweet prayer and my smile is back again.
There are moments when its just so uncontrollable that I lash out to those around me, my family, even more to my love. Because me and my love have very similar emotion patterns he is patient with me, gentle and understanding. He gives me feed back when needed, he listens when needed, he gives me space when needed, he holds me in his arms when needed, and even get frustrated which is understood. But when I find that my depression upsets him in ways that he does not deserve I can quickly jump out of it and push my depression back into that dark place in which it came.
I've never gone to a specialist to tell me I have a depression, I dont need a doctor to tell me i'm depressed. I've known for a while now and everyday it gets better and better, I have less triggers and breakout of it quicker each time.
IDK why i'm even writing this, I had a trigger a couple days ago and it's been hanging around for a minute. I guess writing this blog helps me channel my thoughts......